26 Apr 2015

Pony-tails, panic and PR spin.

How Crosby-Textor propose to rescue Key from the fall out over his casual Pony-Tail stroking.


Rumour has it that the Crosby-Textor spin machine that elevated John Key to the leadership of the National Party and thence to Prime Minister of NZ has been hard pressed to find a convincing argument to justify Key’s penchant for stroking and pulling young women’s hair.

The current line that John is simply being “casual Key” or the he was indulging in “a little horse play and good fun” at the cafe he and his wife frequent has not gone down well with the general public despite what their focus groups of loyal National Party members indicated.

Key’s Crosby-Textor advisors have been left non-plussed and confused by the over whelming criticism of Key combined with the argument, presented by ex-National Party MP, Marilyn Waring, that his behaviour was one of sexual harassment.

However, rumour has it that a solution to this conundrum has been found.
The Crosby-Textor spinmeisters have been doing a considerable amount of research and now believe that they have the answer which will kill the antagonism towards Key immediately.

According to caucus leaks Crosby-Textor are to arrange, on Key’s return from touring Saudi Arabia, a series of nation wide tours in which ordinary multi-millionaire money speculator John Key will offer to stroke any ordinary lower caste New Zealander’s pony tail or long hair offered to him so that the stroke can benefit from the holy aura that emanates from him. 

This holy aura, initially thought to have been confirmed through his success with Merril Lynch as a money trader but now understood to have been bestowed upon Key through his stroking of the Windsor corgis, swapping a barbecued sausage with William Windsor and admiring the royal offspring is reputed to cure diseases and restore the sufferer to the National Party fold.

Crosby-Textor have designed the following structure for the The Key Cure tours.

John Key will arrive in an electorate and set up a grotto in a local shopping mall or other cathedral to capitalism where he will call on those who wish to have their hair stroked, pulled or tugged and thus be cured of any belief in socialism, Labour Party policies or concern about the sale of state assets.


There will be four distinct elements to the process:

    1) John Key shall touch (or, alternatively, stroke) the hair of the infected person.
   2)  John Key will hang a medal around the person's neck. The medal to have a picture of John Key and The Deficit Dragon on one side while the reverse will have a picture of the local National Party MP kissing Key's feet. The recipient will be instructed to wear it at all times so that any anti-National thoughts will be warded off.
    3) Passages from the Gospel of Mark (16: 14–20) and the Gospel of John (1: 1–14) are to be read. Mark 16 contains themes that confirm John Key’s immunity to infectious political  beliefs: "They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Mark 16:18
   4) Membership of the National Party will be offered.

While there has been some concern raised among those caucus members seeking to become leader of the Party in the wake of growing disenchantment with Key they have been over-ruled by the supreme council of the National Party.

The belief is that as this process once sustained both the French and British monarchies for several centuries it is highly possible that once John Key begins the  hair stroking “Key Cure Progress” he should be able to rise above the present criticism of his casual approach to the ordinary New Zealanders and thus cement in the National Party right to rule and thus assume undisputed rule of the country.


The Country awaits the whole hearted endorsement of this campaign by Mike Hosking, Paul Henry, Patrick Gower and other obedient opinionistas employed by the MSM in New Zealand as their blessings will be seen by Crosby-Textor as essential to giving credibility to the Key Cure Progresses.


1 comment:

Snoop Monster said...

Love the sarcasm... you might like this one ... THE CENSORED EXCLUSIVE: A Serial Ponytail Yanker’s Lasso of Truth Interview [Full Transcript] at: http://snoopman.net.nz/?p=2727